Santa with Muscles

I mean…it’s no Suburban Commando, but Don Stark is also no Christopher Lloyd. As described by IMDb, a heartless millionaire believes he is Santa Claus after an accident renders him amnesiac.

From what I can surmise, Blake Thorne, aka Hulk Hogan with bad hair, made his money off of making other people feel like physical shit. Say your prayers, eat your vitamins…eat your heart out. At least in the form of Thorne, he’s more like eat my mass maker supplement. Despite knowing he’s got the build of a guy that can stop an ice cream truck dead in its tracks just by pulling on an attached rope, he’s never actually satisfied with his picture on his own products. I digress.

Hulk Hogan as Santa Claus preventing an ice cream truck from being able to drive away.
Tug of war champion

In this movie as part of Hogan’s business strategy, is “Blake’s Rules”. Rules and regulations that he makes his help staff memorize as if they’re in the military, and he will at times prompt a given staff member to recite by number.

Blake’s Rules, a list.

These are the ones officially mentioned in the movie, in numerical order.

#20. Never surrender
#21. When in doubt, get out
#91. Never lend a hand, you might need it later
#105. Never give an inch especially when you can take one
#386. Never mix business with pleasure

For such a long list, I felt robbed of hearing more.

Gilbert’s Rules, another list.

#1. Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza.
#2. When in doubt, let the madness run through you.
#3. Chips, dips, chains, whips. Enjoy the party.
#4. Always take the hobbits to Isengard
#5. Abortion rights are healthcare rights.

I’ll…I’ll fill in the rest later *Narrator* Gilbert did not. These are the rules, in full

On the flip side of this sleigh is our old friend Gil Turner! No wait, it’s Alan Tyler! Apparently he goes by Ebner Frost now. Frost…Santa…Christmas…get it? Anyways, Frosty the Germaphobe has been buying up and acquiring a bunch of real estate in the area so that he can cultivate a bunch of valuable crystals and whatnot in the catacombs. Even more scientifically cool if legit, otherwise just perplexing, is that these crystals apparently also conduct certain levels of electricity and thus are also volatile.

Anyways an orphanage on the brink of closing down is the last lingering property protecting the catacombs, at least until Blake shows up. He took a bonk on the head earlier and doesn’t know who he is so he ends up posing as Santa Claus to this orphanage and the three remaining kids.

Hulk Hogan dressed as Santa Claus staring at a cookie
But this will tip my daily macros! I can’t have this!


The original author’s draft was changed so much that he sued to have his name removed. I can’t blame him.

When I want your opinion, I’ll have it surgically removed

That’s really the primary conflict in this movie, Frosty the Germaphobe wanting piezoelectric crystal riches mined through child labor, because of course the orphaned kids are going to have to do the work. Before Santa Thorne bulked up on reindeer based protein, he and Frosty were actually childhood friends at the same orphanage on the brink of closure. Yeah, we didn’t care either “Plot” or something.

Hulk Hogan's character dressed as Santa Claus talking to a reporter
This reporter was not a fan of Blake’s Reindeer Jerky with extra protein.
The three kids from the movie wearing hard hats in a catacomb.
Immediately filing for a union once this movie ends.

Not really much more to say about this one. So we’ll just end it here. I **almost** want to make the an annual tradition.

#6. When reviewing bad holiday based movies, talk about starting annual traditions but don’t elaborate further.


Noticed details

  1. Brutus the Barber Beefcake cameo, playing a Chinese thug…just why?
  2. Frosty’s other thugs really felt like T-square rules are good ideas for weapons. I suppose if they wanted us to line up…yes that joke is worth it.
  3. I really hope Garrett Morris got something out of this movie.
Thug holding a T-Square ruler facing Hulk Hogan
You must wield
Another thug pacing around holding a T-Square ruler
a T-Square to
A third thug holding a T-Square ruler
join this gang.

Share your thoughts in the comments below, I’d even take spam comments at this point. Oh god I’m doing horrible on the site and its content *insert dread of losing my 1 reader which is just myself*


Streaming information


An amalgamation of Gilbert Gottfried and Rhonda Shear, original hosts for USA Up All Night. Gilbert Shear is a blogcast journalist who manages to enjoy campy, cult, and even bad movies. What better to do with that than create a platform to discuss those movies while honoring the show that celebrated them in years past.

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