Transylvania 6-5000

Are alien creatures using your body for sex while you sleep? No? Does that make you feel inferior and not attractive enough for them? I wouldn’t worry about it, that’s just a sensationalist headline from the tabloid paper that our intrepid heros work at.

First up, we have Ian Malcolm early in his career as a mathematician.

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Freeze frame

Jack Harrison: Let me interrupt for a moment our blogger Gilbert to clarify that my name is not Ian Malcolm like he surmised. My name is Jack, and I’m not great with math. However, I am trying to raise the journalistic level of this tabloid, even if that’s against Mac’s orders. Anyways, Just wanted to clarify, continue on with the skewering.

Jack Harrison looks suspiciously like Ian Malcolm. What say you?

Gilbert: What the heck happened here. I felt like I was frozen colder than the space between the legs of an ugly corpse. Anyways where was I? Oh yes, Ian Malcolm before he turned to mathematics, is a journalist trying to raise the integrity of this tabloid with the use of an attractive corpse. It just isn’t going to happen. He’s partnered up with Alan Tyler, who would eventually go on to raise a wimp of a child who only got saved by a “Pagemaster” whatever that is, who sounded suspiciously like Doctor Emmet L. Brown. Don’t know who that is? Look it up.

Record scratch

Freeze frame

Jack again, I don’t know who this Gilbert person is writing all this stuff, but he’s actually kind of accurate here. Is he omniscient about my partner Gil Turner? Is my Gil just a ruse? A cover up to get on the inside? I’m going to return you back to Gilbert and see where this goes.

Yep, still Ian Malcolm looking. What’s your story, Jack?

Gilbert: Damn it, what the fuck is going on? It was so cold again I feel like I could cut up my shirt with nipples as frozen as diamonds. If I shake in the right patterns, It’ll look like I got slashed by Freddie fucking Kruger.

Where was I…again. So Mac, editor at large is sending Ian and Alan to Transylvania to try and get down to the bottom of the original found footage shot of some locals getting apparently attacked and ravaged by Frankenstein’s monster. If they don’t come back with a story hotter than a supermodel’s corpse, they’re fired.

Would you like to buy a monkey?

Not long after this, our reporters get to Transylvania and start making waves right away. Ian is trying to convince a New Yorker to let him show her the size of his parabola, and Alan is trying to score some information about local monsters with the hotel clerk. Alan is not bright and is immediately made the laughing stock of the entire city. However, this allows us to be introduced to Dr. Walter Jenning, who moonlights as the town Mayor when not trying to murder amphomorphic ducks.

Duck fact

Transylvania 6-5000 was financed by the Dow chemical company in order to spend frozen finances that the company had in Yugoslavia. Thanks Dow Chemicals, we really needed this movie.

People’s Sexiest Man Alive 2021 is skeptical.

Earth girls are easy

It’s around this time in the movie that the freaks of the night start coming out and coming for our intrepid journalists. Alan has attracted the attention of Odette, someone who can bite me any time she wants. This nymphomaniac vampiress is welcome to my bedroom, but somehow she prefers Alan. Chump. Anyways, I’m not jealous at all.

*Shouts off to the side* MA! MA! THE VOODOO DOLL! HOW’S IT COMING ALONG!

*Off camera* I thought you moved out last year, what are you still doing in my house Gilbert?

Regardless, strange things are still afoot in Transylvania. We have vampires, the “Wolfman”, Frankenstein’s monster, a mummy, and a mix of Jekyll, Hyde, and Dr. Frankestein all in one character, depending on where he’s standing. Surely there’s a story worth retaining their job over, here.

Radu, attack!

We really need to talk to the villagers to not rush to judgement so quickly. All of these “monsters” are in truth, misunderstood and bullied and accused of being worse than they actually are.

Frankenstein’s monster? He was in a vicious car accident and had to be put back together. That’s not his fault.

The “Wolfman”, he suffers from hypertricosis and is getting treatment to prevent the excessive hairloss. Before too long he’ll be beach ready.

Then we have the mummy. This is just Ugly Hattie, who took her life in her hands and took steps to recreate herself as Formerly Ugly Hattie.

Formerly Ugly Hattie: Ooh, bazonkers! I never counted on bazonkers. I’m so content.
Radu: You should be.

What about Odette you say? She’s just cosplaying as Carmilla because she thinks she’s ugly and this boosts her confidence. Though she also had a nose job, but you can’t tell.

The long and the short of it, the villagers are just bullies and need to let people be people.


As far as I can tell, Ian and Alan both keep their jobs, despite the truth setting some townspeople finally free.

Final thoughts

Odette, call me, you have the number.


Sponsor aka Duck Facts

This post was sponsored by Harmless Entertainment, a podcast network who discuss super hero movies, as well as monthly fan-voted movies for their patrons. If you’re a Marvel/DC or superhero fan in general, definitely check them out.


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An amalgamation of Gilbert Gottfried and Rhonda Shear, original hosts for USA Up All Night. Gilbert Shear is a blogcast journalist who manages to enjoy campy, cult, and even bad movies. What better to do with that than create a platform to discuss those movies while honoring the show that celebrated them in years past.

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