Santa with Muscles
I mean…it’s no Suburban Commando, but Don Stark is also no Christopher Lloyd. As described by IMDb, a heartless millionaire believes he is Santa Claus after an accident renders him amnesiac.
From what I can surmise, Blake Thorne, aka Hulk Hogan with bad hair, made his money off of making other people feel like physical shit. Say your prayers, eat your vitamins…eat your heart out. At least in the form of Thorne, he’s more like eat my mass maker supplement. Despite knowing he’s got the build of a guy that can stop an ice cream truck dead in its tracks just by pulling on an attached rope, he’s never actually satisfied with his picture on his own products. I digress.
In this movie as part of Hogan’s business strategy, is “Blake’s Rules”. Rules and regulations that he makes his help staff memorize as if they’re in the military, and he will at times prompt a given staff member to recite by number.
Blake’s Rules, a list.
These are the ones officially mentioned in the movie, in numerical order.
#20. Never surrender
#21. When in doubt, get out
#91. Never lend a hand, you might need it later
#105. Never give an inch especially when you can take one
#386. Never mix business with pleasure
For such a long list, I felt robbed of hearing more.
Gilbert’s Rules, another list.
#1. Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza.
#2. When in doubt, let the madness run through you.
#3. Chips, dips, chains, whips. Enjoy the party.
#4. Always take the hobbits to Isengard
#5. Abortion rights are healthcare rights.
I’ll…I’ll fill in the rest later *Narrator* Gilbert did not. These are the rules, in full
On the flip side of this sleigh is our old friend Gil Turner! No wait, it’s Alan Tyler! Apparently he goes by Ebner Frost now. Frost…Santa…Christmas…get it? Anyways, Frosty the Germaphobe has been buying up and acquiring a bunch of real estate in the area so that he can cultivate a bunch of valuable crystals and whatnot in the catacombs. Even more scientifically cool if legit, otherwise just perplexing, is that these crystals apparently also conduct certain levels of electricity and thus are also volatile.
Anyways an orphanage on the brink of closing down is the last lingering property protecting the catacombs, at least until Blake shows up. He took a bonk on the head earlier and doesn’t know who he is so he ends up posing as Santa Claus to this orphanage and the three remaining kids.
Factoid
The original author’s draft was changed so much that he sued to have his name removed. I can’t blame him.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117550/trivia?item=tr0574358
When I want your opinion, I’ll have it surgically removed
That’s really the primary conflict in this movie, Frosty the Germaphobe wanting piezoelectric crystal riches mined through child labor, because of course the orphaned kids are going to have to do the work. Before Santa Thorne bulked up on reindeer based protein, he and Frosty were actually childhood friends at the same orphanage on the brink of closure. Yeah, we didn’t care either “Plot” or something.
Not really much more to say about this one. So we’ll just end it here. I **almost** want to make the an annual tradition.
#6. When reviewing bad holiday based movies, talk about starting annual traditions but don’t elaborate further.
Extras
Noticed details
- Brutus the Barber Beefcake cameo, playing a Chinese thug…just why?
- Frosty’s other thugs really felt like T-square rules are good ideas for weapons. I suppose if they wanted us to line up…yes that joke is worth it.
- I really hope Garrett Morris got something out of this movie.
Share your thoughts in the comments below, I’d even take spam comments at this point. Oh god I’m doing horrible on the site and its content *insert dread of losing my 1 reader which is just myself*
Trailer
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