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Bio-Dome

I’m going to be completely honest with, you, dearest reader. I’m not sure who failed who more. Bud Mackentosh and Doyle Johnson to society, or society to Bud and Doyle? Oh, don’t be mislead, in Bio-Dome they saved the day, re-established homeostasis to Bio-Dome Mall, and mostly stayed faithful to their girls outside the trouble bubble, but consider our modern world that has come since.

Warning: All hell is breaking loose

Picture of a screen that says "All hell is breaking loose"
Thanks Pauly.

No, seriously, think about it. We have politicians who don’t give a fuck unless you pay them enough, climate control is still, STILL a hot topic issue, and I say that with as big of a pun face as I can, despite the dire situation. Cats and dogs got along, Falkner has no dick, Doyle didn’t start the fire but thought it was pretty cool. Sorry Billy Joel, we still don’t have any leads.

Regardless, our Homo sapiens actual stoner Bill and Ted knockoffs did what they could in 1996 to attempt some science. First they tried to act locally when told to act globally, but then they tried to act globally when they couldn’t act locally any more.

Free Mahi Mahi, Free Mahi Mahi if you will

No, Bud, free us from the hellscape that is America 26 years later. We failed each other pal!

Dickless, it’s been a nonstop moronathon!

— Bio-Dome Five member, Olivia

I don’t care Olivia, I just really care about the environment. Didn’t you read my dissertation about ghosts in New York? It reads really well with Popcorn…lots…and lots…of Popcorn

— Bio-Dome Five member, “not really a quote”, DIckless
Front portrait of Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin as Bud and Doyle.
Dear…lord, they look mad.

What do you guys want out of life?

To die if it saves the environment, obviously.

If we’re continuing with our honesty here, there would be less failure of everyone to everyone if 90s bio-dome environments didn’t look so much like 90s malls in Arizona. That’s on you, Vasquez Lake.

Anyways I’ve veered off plot about as much as the movie. Where was I? Oh yes. Bud and Doyle, in a fit of rage against breast stroke swimmers, get tortured by bladder buster drinks and end up mistaking the Bio-dome project for a mall, and subsequently get trapped in there. This proves to be the start of a 100 Million Dollar mistake according to Leaky.

External picture of the Bio-Dome structure.
Where’s the Hot Topic?

Factoid

At least according to the movie, pissing in the jungle foliage reduces homeostasis by 0.9%. Who knew bladder busters had that bad of an effect.

— Watch the movie

Bud and Doyle raise hell for a bit, wreck a bunch of shit and almost trash the entire project. What’s worse is that the real almost coup de grâce for the entire project is a lone key accidentally left in the desert door. HUGE party commences. THANKS TO A BLOODY KEY!

Bud and Doyle finding a key to outside of the Bio-Dome
Here lizard lizard lizard. Look Bud…a key. Praise be the key. Ohmmmm

All hope appears lost, at least until the burnout Bill and Ted knockoffs discover a superpower that solves everything. Yes, that’s right folks…it’s the power of yoga and Bud’s ability to lick his own back.

Picture of Bud in a yoga pose trying to lick his back
You like that

Who You Gonna Call? 1-900-squirly-stub

At this time in the movie, Dickless makes like his dick and disappears, leaving The Bio-Dome 5 without their Tito, to restore homeostasis to the Bio-Dome. A month of destruction takes 11 months to recover. That’s some global warming commentary right there.

Bud and Doyle mimicking an adult content hotline on a microphone and lamp.
If I had Blue Chew ads, this wouldn’t be one.

Dickless does eventually turn up again, and in a plot twist of all plot twists, Doyle gets to juggle his coconuts and reveal Dickless’ true plans. He would have destroyed it all anyway.

I’ve got a lovely sack of coconuts boom-ity boom, there they are all blowing in a rooooow

— Dickless, probably.

Final takeaway? Seriously, take care of the environment when you can, it’s the only one we have, it’s the only one with beer.

Despite all the legitimate criticisms of this movie it has always been one I shamelessly enjoy. It’s good background noise when you need something, and if I ever actually take edibles, it’d be interesting to rewatch under that influence. If only my state would legalize like we voted for. Sorry, real political commentary.

Picture of Jack Black and Kyle Glass playing music.
A’s may get degrees, but D’s save trees.

Extras

Noticed details

  1. Bud knows waaaaay too much about Doyle’s masturbatory habits.
  2. Too many scenes of “Smell my fart, what did I eat?”

Trailer

Streaming information

TubiTV: https://tubitv.com/movies/305798/bio-dome

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Bio-Dome-Pauly-Shore/dp/B07GT2NL3K/ref=sr_1_2

Santa with Muscles

I mean…it’s no Suburban Commando, but Don Stark is also no Christopher Lloyd. As described by IMDb, a heartless millionaire believes he is Santa Claus after an accident renders him amnesiac.

From what I can surmise, Blake Thorne, aka Hulk Hogan with bad hair, made his money off of making other people feel like physical shit. Say your prayers, eat your vitamins…eat your heart out. At least in the form of Thorne, he’s more like eat my mass maker supplement. Despite knowing he’s got the build of a guy that can stop an ice cream truck dead in its tracks just by pulling on an attached rope, he’s never actually satisfied with his picture on his own products. I digress.

Hulk Hogan as Santa Claus preventing an ice cream truck from being able to drive away.
Tug of war champion

In this movie as part of Hogan’s business strategy, is “Blake’s Rules”. Rules and regulations that he makes his help staff memorize as if they’re in the military, and he will at times prompt a given staff member to recite by number.

Blake’s Rules, a list.

These are the ones officially mentioned in the movie, in numerical order.

#20. Never surrender
#21. When in doubt, get out
#91. Never lend a hand, you might need it later
#105. Never give an inch especially when you can take one
#386. Never mix business with pleasure

For such a long list, I felt robbed of hearing more.

Gilbert’s Rules, another list.

#1. Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza.
#2. When in doubt, let the madness run through you.
#3. Chips, dips, chains, whips. Enjoy the party.
#4. Always take the hobbits to Isengard
#5. Abortion rights are healthcare rights.

I’ll…I’ll fill in the rest later *Narrator* Gilbert did not. These are the rules, in full

On the flip side of this sleigh is our old friend Gil Turner! No wait, it’s Alan Tyler! Apparently he goes by Ebner Frost now. Frost…Santa…Christmas…get it? Anyways, Frosty the Germaphobe has been buying up and acquiring a bunch of real estate in the area so that he can cultivate a bunch of valuable crystals and whatnot in the catacombs. Even more scientifically cool if legit, otherwise just perplexing, is that these crystals apparently also conduct certain levels of electricity and thus are also volatile.

Anyways an orphanage on the brink of closing down is the last lingering property protecting the catacombs, at least until Blake shows up. He took a bonk on the head earlier and doesn’t know who he is so he ends up posing as Santa Claus to this orphanage and the three remaining kids.

Hulk Hogan dressed as Santa Claus staring at a cookie
But this will tip my daily macros! I can’t have this!

Factoid

The original author’s draft was changed so much that he sued to have his name removed. I can’t blame him.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117550/trivia?item=tr0574358

When I want your opinion, I’ll have it surgically removed

That’s really the primary conflict in this movie, Frosty the Germaphobe wanting piezoelectric crystal riches mined through child labor, because of course the orphaned kids are going to have to do the work. Before Santa Thorne bulked up on reindeer based protein, he and Frosty were actually childhood friends at the same orphanage on the brink of closure. Yeah, we didn’t care either “Plot” or something.

Hulk Hogan's character dressed as Santa Claus talking to a reporter
This reporter was not a fan of Blake’s Reindeer Jerky with extra protein.
The three kids from the movie wearing hard hats in a catacomb.
Immediately filing for a union once this movie ends.

Not really much more to say about this one. So we’ll just end it here. I **almost** want to make the an annual tradition.

#6. When reviewing bad holiday based movies, talk about starting annual traditions but don’t elaborate further.

Extras

Noticed details

  1. Brutus the Barber Beefcake cameo, playing a Chinese thug…just why?
  2. Frosty’s other thugs really felt like T-square rules are good ideas for weapons. I suppose if they wanted us to line up…yes that joke is worth it.
  3. I really hope Garrett Morris got something out of this movie.
Thug holding a T-Square ruler facing Hulk Hogan
You must wield
Another thug pacing around holding a T-Square ruler
a T-Square to
A third thug holding a T-Square ruler
join this gang.

Share your thoughts in the comments below, I’d even take spam comments at this point. Oh god I’m doing horrible on the site and its content *insert dread of losing my 1 reader which is just myself*

Trailer

Streaming information

TubiTV: https://tubitv.com/movies/506594/santa-with-muscles

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