Yo, Gilbert? What the fuck is up with this? These are all movies that we most definitely did not vote for in past polls. Why are they being presented again?
That’s exactly right, these are all movies that got dead last in their previous polls, and this time around, I’m giving them all a second chance. Something we’ll probably do in future polls as well, though perhaps not third chances. Choose well! You have until end of day September 4th.
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Movie Descriptions
All descriptions care of IMDb.com
The Coed and the Zombie Stoner
When a nerdy sorority girl falls in love with a zombie, it’s only a matter of time before a zombie apocalypse is unleashed on campus. The sorority girl discovers that weed is the cure–now she must smoke out the entire school before it’s too late.
Bad Taste
The population of a small town disappears and is replaced by aliens that chase human flesh for their intergalactic fast-food chain.
Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama
As part of a sorority ritual, pledges and their male companions steal a trophy from a bowling alley; unbeknownst to them, it contains a devilish imp who makes their lives a living Hell.
State Park
A business man plans to dump toxic waste in a state park, but it doesn’t go according to plan.
He emancipated the slaves… he saved the Union… and slaughtered the undead!
Documentary description
While the Civil War rages on, President Abraham Lincoln must undertake an even more daunting task – destroying the Confederate Undead.
Emancipate this!
History can be hard to write about, especially when it’s newly revealed information to you. This Abraham Lincoln documentary has presented me with information I never learned about in junior high or even high school, and its presenting varying amounts of distrust in our education system in me.
Granted I’m nearing the age of 39, but still. Missed history is missed history.
Who knew they didn’t make documentaries.
I literally do not recall ever hearing about Lincoln battling zombies at all…AND BOOTH WAS ACTUALLY TOLD TO SHOW UP AND DO LINCOLN IN? WHAT?
WHAT?!?!
Johnny Boo was told to show up and take Lincoln out to prevent a spread of this zombie virus? If you paid enough attention to the documentary, you know that Lincoln had a history with this virus, so he’s not completely ignorant of what’s going on, and takes up arms, willingly, to face the zombie virus head on. Enough that he knows complete eradication is needed to “cure” it, and there is 100% guaranteed fatality rate for anyone that gets infected. Abe tells no lies.
Most of this docu is really just visuals of Abe and his mini team moving around to various forts, taking zombies out and trying to save what people they can, including an old flame of his who turned to sex work to get by. With her came a daughter, a fellow lady of the night, and a young Teddy Roosevelt.
Blessed are the sex workers
At some point, they get to a situation where they can make a big boom and take out all the remaining zombies trapped inside a fort.
But it’s all for naught as mentioned above, with Booth getting the assignment of a lifetime.
Abe deserved real smoke, not this CGI crap.
Conclusion
I am being informed that this movie is a work of badly done fiction, and none of it is true, outside of various names and places. Events that occurred are not guaranteed though. I’m going to go re-evaluate my life. Fuck.
Watch this if you want to make yourself believe you missed out on fake history.
We’re not crazy, we’re insane, or at least in the context of this month we’re featuring only movies from The Asylum. We’ve had movies from them in past polls, and 2012 Ice Age is from them as well, so you know how it’ll go.
Poll will be available until the start of Independence Day, July 4th at Midnight.
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Movie Descriptions
All descriptions care of IMDb.com
Dracula’s Curse
A team of vampire hunters set out to battle an evil vampire clan in the dark underworld.
Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies
While the Civil War rages on, President Abraham Lincoln must undertake an even more daunting task – destroying the Confederate Undead.
Shark Week
A group of complete strangers find themselves isolated by a wealthy madman on his island compound.
The Terminators
A small band of resistance fighters battle the cyborgs that have taken control of the planet.
I’m going to be completely honest with, you, dearest reader. I’m not sure who failed who more. Bud Mackentosh and Doyle Johnson to society, or society to Bud and Doyle? Oh, don’t be mislead, in Bio-Dome they saved the day, re-established homeostasis to Bio-Dome Mall, and mostly stayed faithful to their girls outside the trouble bubble, but consider our modern world that has come since.
Warning: All hell is breaking loose
Thanks Pauly.
No, seriously, think about it. We have politicians who don’t give a fuck unless you pay them enough, climate control is still, STILL a hot topic issue, and I say that with as big of a pun face as I can, despite the dire situation. Cats and dogs got along, Falkner has no dick, Doyle didn’t start the fire but thought it was pretty cool. Sorry Billy Joel, we still don’t have any leads.
Regardless, our Homo sapiens actual stoner Bill and Ted knockoffs did what they could in 1996 to attempt some science. First they tried to act locally when told to act globally, but then they tried to act globally when they couldn’t act locally any more.
Free Mahi Mahi, Free Mahi Mahi if you will
No, Bud, free us from the hellscape that is America 26 years later. We failed each other pal!
Dickless, it’s been a nonstop moronathon!
— Bio-Dome Five member, Olivia
I don’t care Olivia, I just really care about the environment. Didn’t you read my dissertation about ghosts in New York? It reads really well with Popcorn…lots…and lots…of Popcorn
— Bio-Dome Five member, “not really a quote”, DIckless
Dear…lord, they look mad.
What do you guys want out of life?
To die if it saves the environment, obviously.
If we’re continuing with our honesty here, there would be less failure of everyone to everyone if 90s bio-dome environments didn’t look so much like 90s malls in Arizona. That’s on you, Vasquez Lake.
Anyways I’ve veered off plot about as much as the movie. Where was I? Oh yes. Bud and Doyle, in a fit of rage against breast stroke swimmers, get tortured by bladder buster drinks and end up mistaking the Bio-dome project for a mall, and subsequently get trapped in there. This proves to be the start of a 100 Million Dollar mistake according to Leaky.
Where’s the Hot Topic?
Factoid
At least according to the movie, pissing in the jungle foliage reduces homeostasis by 0.9%. Who knew bladder busters had that bad of an effect.
— Watch the movie
Bud and Doyle raise hell for a bit, wreck a bunch of shit and almost trash the entire project. What’s worse is that the real almost coup de grâce for the entire project is a lone key accidentally left in the desert door. HUGE party commences. THANKS TO A BLOODY KEY!
Here lizard lizard lizard. Look Bud…a key. Praise be the key. Ohmmmm
All hope appears lost, at least until the burnout Bill and Ted knockoffs discover a superpower that solves everything. Yes, that’s right folks…it’s the power of yoga and Bud’s ability to lick his own back.
You like that
Who You Gonna Call? 1-900-squirly-stub
At this time in the movie, Dickless makes like his dick and disappears, leaving The Bio-Dome 5 without their Tito, to restore homeostasis to the Bio-Dome. A month of destruction takes 11 months to recover. That’s some global warming commentary right there.
If I had Blue Chew ads, this wouldn’t be one.
Dickless does eventually turn up again, and in a plot twist of all plot twists, Doyle gets to juggle his coconuts and reveal Dickless’ true plans. He would have destroyed it all anyway.
I’ve got a lovely sack of coconuts boom-ity boom, there they are all blowing in a rooooow
— Dickless, probably.
Final takeaway? Seriously, take care of the environment when you can, it’s the only one we have, it’s the only one with beer.
Despite all the legitimate criticisms of this movie it has always been one I shamelessly enjoy. It’s good background noise when you need something, and if I ever actually take edibles, it’d be interesting to rewatch under that influence. If only my state would legalize like we voted for. Sorry, real political commentary.
A’s may get degrees, but D’s save trees.
Extras
Noticed details
Bud knows waaaaay too much about Doyle’s masturbatory habits.
Too many scenes of “Smell my fart, what did I eat?”
In an accidental turn of events, the poll for movie #8 ended on the same day that Encino Man premiered in theaters, 30 years ago. May 22nd 1992 and May 22nd 2022. However, that coincidence wasn’t enough for Encino Man to win the poll. Instead, I get to enthrall everyone with the comedic writings of the 1996 non classic classic Bio-Dome! Remember folks, the dome is not a mall.
