Zombeavers

ZOM…BEAVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Somewhat sadly this is not as really a campy lesbian adult entertainment zombie parody. At times it’d probably help the movie, but we are left with a horror comedy that does manage to deliver on its own still.

The IMDb description is pretty much this.

ZOMBEAVERS is an action-packed horror/comedy in which a group of college kids staying at a riverside cabin are menaced by a swarm of deadly zombie beavers. A weekend of sex and debauchery soon turns gruesome as the beavers close in on the kids. Riding the line between scary, sexy and funny, the kids are soon fighting for their lives in a desperate attempt to fend off the hoard of beavers that attack them in and around their cabin

~ Schmucks at IMDb

Much like our first post Chopping Mall, we will have three couples. However I’m very hard pressed to try and find myself a new Ferdy in this one. Unlike the 80s, the mid 2010s can generally have all not necessarily good wholesome characters.

However, I’m getting ahead of myself, SHAME ON ME! We need the origin story first, and Zombeavers provides that in an interesting way. Standard beavers? They’re fine, they like wood, They have teeth, they like chewing wood.

*crosses legs to protect*

Screenshot of John Mayer and Bill Burr driving.
Deer got run over by a Burr Mayer

Origins begin at the beginning, the start, up first. We originate with Bill Burr and John Mayer committing deer murder. Mmmm murder. Dial M for deer murder. The Burr Mayer Duet are the source of all the misery and woe in this movie when they hit Bambi and accidentally spill a barrel of….whatever…that turns wood loving beavers into flesh loving beavers. Your body is a wonderland indeed, bitch. Alex Mack sends her puddle-ly regards.

Welcome to Ashwood: population 4080

Truth be told, I grew up in a town well less than 1000 people, so Ashwood would have felt decently large to teenage me. Thus we see the true horror of the movie, alongside the Burr Mayer Duet. No cell service! I felt you shiver at the thought alongside me, I know the pain, we’ll get through this together.

I don’t wanna get changed, I wanna send a text!

~ Eventually Topless Zoe

Anyways, the group of people showing up in Ashwood are three friends Jenn, Zoe, and Mary. They needed a girls weekend after Jenn’s now ex boyfriend Sam cheated on her with an unidentifiable brunette. GIRLS WEEKEND!

So they’re chillaxin’ at a lakeside cabin owned by…someone known to one of the girls. I think Mary. It doesn’t matter.

I wanna see a beaver, they’re so adorable!

Time to go swimming, you know how these scenes go. They’re on a lakeside property, tan lines are the devil to Zoe, she’s living her best life.

Until……………………………….A BEAR! Zoe is so afraid of a bear, she remembers to cover herself. Not like the bear knows what boobs are. Regardless, it’s for the best as soon a local hunter shows up to help scare the bear away and give sage local advice to the ladies.

Screenshot of a bear on his hind legs
Don’t worry bear, some day you’ll be old enough to see some college aged titties.

Later that night, we experience the true horror of the movie, along side no cell service and the Burr Mayer Duet…THE BOYFRIENDS SCARE THE BAJEEZUS OUT OF THE GIRLS BY SHOWING UP. Yes, these fuckwads crashed GIRLS WEEKEND! Why? To quote Buck who likes to fuck (Zoe specifically), “My dick’s asleep”. Dude, it’s called masturbation. You can go a few days without a separate human body. I have. It’s easy.

So yes, the fuckwads show up. Buck is with Zoe, Tommy is with Mary, and Sam **was** with Jenn until he screwed that up. Boys ruin everything, like GIRLS WEEKEND! Regardless, Zoe wasn’t too miffed about it as she got to help make Buck who likes to fuck feel like a power ranger. How he got to that realization I do not know. I hope he felt like Kimberly.

Mary wasn’t that upset to see Tommy either, but she felt at least a little more sensitive to what Jenn was going through.

Screenshot of Buck and Zoe outside.
This dude doesn’t know what it feels like to have a real sleepy dick. Regardless, Zoe is probably poking at it to try and wake it up.

Zom…BEAVERS!

Right around the 27minute mark, we get our first peak at a ravenous human craving zombeaver, who attacks Jenn. Naturally no one believes her at first, but they will…they will. If anything at first they kill a beaver of unknown temperament and place it in bag outside. THE DAY IS WON!

Or is it? As we come to learn, the zombeavers are smart enough to chew through all landline telephone lines, and as we know already, no cell service. We’re screwed!

They’re also strong enough to break through planks on a floating raft in the middle of a lake. WE’RE SCREWED!

It’s while out swimming on day two, with our three female leads and their three fuckwad counterparts that we get the true horror of the movie, along with the fuckwad trio, no cell phone service, and the Burr Mayer Duet. Fuckwad Sam willingly and knowingly sacrifices Zoe’s dog to the beavers to save their own behinds. Asshat. The dog was better than you and you know it. RIP lil buddy.

Screenshot of a dog on the floor.
We barely knew you, lil buddy.

Not all is lost as it’s also in this sequence when Buck who likes to fuck gets his foot chewed off and is semi-paraplegic the rest of the movie. Don’t worry, Fuckwad Sam gets his comeuppance.

GIRLS WEEKEND! doesn’t end up ending quite so good in regards to the girls themselves, as it’s revealed that the girl in the photo with Sam is actually Mary herself. Oof this got tense pretty quick as apparently Tommy didn’t know but “everyone else did”.

Screenshot of a picture of Sam and Mary making out
SCANDAL! The bigger scandal is why isn’t “The Warrior” playing in my head right now.

I have a fever, and it’s for…more beaver

Soon enough, Jenn herself turns into a human/beaver hybrid now known as JennBeaver to this writer. She gets her final revenge on Fuckwad Sam when she bites his member off.

*crosses legs to protect*

Oh yeah, Buck who likes to fuck turns into a beaver as well. It’s a beaver orgy!

There’s death and mayhem all around, and it looks like Zoe is about to be the only survivor, as Mary turns at the last minute as well. Except…well…No one escapes the Burr Mayer Duet, the true horror of the movie.

Screenshot of Zoe and Mary in a battered truck

Final thoughts

Here beaver beaver beaver. Surely there were more innuendos I could make for this movie. They wrote themselves. Maybe next viewing.

Extras

Trailer

Streaming information

TubiTV: https://tubitv.com/movies/461280/zombeavers

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Zombeavers-Rachael-Melvin/dp/B00UY5SQUW/ref=sr_1_1

An amalgamation of Gilbert Gottfried and Rhonda Shear, original hosts for USA Up All Night. Gilbert Shear is a blogcast journalist who manages to enjoy campy, cult, and even bad movies. What better to do with that than create a platform to discuss those movies while honoring the show that celebrated them in years past.

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